Question: For the past year on and off, I have been quick on the draw intimately with my wife and was wondering what can I do to change that? Now being personal, her and I had gone through a period of separation, when I was with other women and I did not have that issue at all, so I’m trying to figure out what’s going on or what the issue could be?
Answer: Hi love, Thank you for your question. This is such a common question for people with a penis. Statistics show that about 1 in 3 men experience pre-ejaculation (PE). Without knowing more information about your particular situation, it is difficult to say exactly what’s going on.
The thing you need to determine is if you feel like the cause of this pre-ejaculation (PE) is biological or psychological. Has something recently changed in your health? Diabetes, high blood pressure, issues with your prostate, heavy alcohol or drug use are all related to PE. If you are experiencing one or more of these things, addressing that health concern is going to be important to decreasing instances of PE.
Commonly, PE is related to psychological emotions. We're wondering what the reasons were for you and your lover separating and what emotions you are feeling now that you all are back together. While it is beautiful that you all have reconnected, going through relationship issues can be a huge stressor on your body and mind. Feelings like guilt, anxiety, depression, and stress are all related to PE. Again we don’t know the details of your situation, but if you feel some responsibility for the reason you all separated, you may be feeling some about of guilt or pressure to make up for something. These emotions can lead to performance anxiety and cause PE. If this is resonating, working through those emotions either by yourself, with your lover, or with a therapist may decrease PE. We highly recommend doing some innerwork here, because there may be some unaddressed emotions in your relationship that are coming into your sex life. Likewise there might be some other stressors in your life, work, friendships, family relationships that may be impacting your sexuality right now.
On the other hand, it could be the case that you and your wife weren’t frequently having sex prior to you all separating and now that you’ve had some time apart and rekindled your love, you’re having sex more often. And the sex may be bomb! Maybe you’re experiencing a lot of pleasure and feelings of increased connectedness, and that level of sensory overload may also cause PE. If this is the case, your body should get used to the increased pleasurable sensations over time. You can also focus on slowing down, deep breathing, and exploring other pleasure zones on your body that way your sex isn’t so centered on your penis and penetration.
There are things you can do during sex to address PE. Something that many heterosexual people don’t explore, is being sexual without penetration. Sex without penetration can be a great way to explore other pleasure zones on your body. Things like sensual massages, oral sex, play fighting, naked cuddling, playing with sex toys, etc. are things you and your lover can incorporate into sex that doesn’t center around penetration. First, nothing makes you pre-ejaculate faster than thinking about not pre-ejaculating. If you and your partner take penetration off the table, it may relieve some of the performance anxiety you might feel about sex. Secondly, incorporating more non-penetrative things into sex for your partner means that if you do ejaculate, sex doesn’t have to end, and you all can also ensure that she gets pleasure out of yalls sexual experiences as well.
Two other techniques that are frequently recommended are the start-stop technique and the squeeze method. Both methods require self control, discipline, and consistency. The start-stop technique asks you to notice when you are about to ejaculate and completely stop the stimulus for 30-60 seconds and to do this 4 or 5 times throughout sex. For the squeeze method, you notice when you’re about to orgasm and squeeze between the head and shaft of your penis for 30 seconds. Do this 4-5 times. Both of these strategies can be frustrating to people involved but making a plan to do something else, while you’re stopping stimulation to your penis, will help with the transitions.
We’ve also seen suggestions to wear condoms because it decreases sensitivity to your penis which can delay orgasms. This may be something you did with other partners but are not doing with your wife. Which may explain why you did not experience PE with your other sexual partners.
There are medications and creams you can use that can decrease sensitivity to your penis, but those come with their own side effects. And we recommend you talk to a doctor about this before trying a pill or cream.
At the end of the day, PE is very common and may decrease overtime as you and your lover adjust to being back together. Hopefully your lover is supporting you throughout this process and not shaming you about this. If you haven’t already, maybe have a conversation with her about PE and together you all can figure out how to not let this decrease the sexual pleasure you all have together.
Hope this helps!!
Dalychia & Rafaella