I want to first say how much I love Afrosexology and everything it represents. Pro blackness and sex positivity/education are always a good thing.
Okay, so I'm a virgin and somedays I feel embarrassed about it. I'm a virgin by choice because I want my sexual firsts to be with someone that genuinely cares about me and vice versa. That sounds good in theory but I get discouraged because I feel that no one wants to date a virgin. Especially guys who are my age (22). I've also never had a boyfriend (I wasn't allowed to have one in high school and boys rarely pursue me romantically in college). I graduate in the fall and I'm scared sexually to be a virgin in the real world.
Since puberty, I've always known there was something inside of me that was comfortable with my sexuality. I enjoy, and have always enjoyed, sexual songs, comics, adult films, erotic stories, fantasies and things of that nature. Sometimes, I feel an inner conflict because I want to express my sexuality but I don't have any experience.
For the past few months I've promised to make an effort to work on myself. My health, my skills, talents, weaknesses, self-esteem, self confidence, etc. I'm starting from the ground up. That also meant exploring my sexuality. What are some ways a virgin can get to explore their sexuality? I've tried manually masturbating but I can't get into it, I may need to try toys. Any tips you have would be great. I'm excited to start the journey.
Thank you so much for affirming our work! We love to hear that the messages we spread and the articles we share are empowering and informative. Time to get into it…
You are the one who makes the decisions best for your body and there is no shame in that. We can’t tell you to just stop being embarrassed. But, we DO want to say that you shouldn’t be and hope that you find space to embrace your sexuality and choices with comfort and pride. There is so much talk in the sex-positive world to be wild, passionate, and as freaky as you want to be! Although there is nothing wrong with that, sometimes other sexual identities become lost in the fray (i.e.: celibacy, asexuality, aromantic, abstinence). There are many people of all ages who are virgins. Some people find it to be a sense of pride, some have redefined what virginity means for them, and some have omitted the word from their vocabulary altogether. We have posted about this in the past but check this out.
Waiting to have sex with someone you have an emotional connection with and care about is great because you are making that decision and you deserve to get what you want. In our experience there is a spectrum ranging from “I want to sleep with a virgin because [enter perceived benefits]” to “I don’t want to sleep with a virgin because then they will be too attached”.
Quick reflection question: Where is the message, “No one likes a virgin” coming from and how accurate is that? We’re asking because on one hand you say that you feel that no one wants to date a virgin and then you say you haven’t had a boyfriend. Is that message coming from friends, guys you’ve interacted with in the past, somewhere else?
Also, not everyone discloses that they are a virgin and some people just say that they aren’t that experienced without too much detail. Either way, you’ll figure it out once you start dating more and if you decide to or not to have this conversation about being a virgin.
Shoutout to you for dedicating the time to taking care of yourself! Okay. Honestly, masturbating can be tough to get in to! But it is a great step to start with in your journey. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we first dive in for an orgasm. Figure out what you want out of it at any specific time, because it can change. There may be a time when you want to masturbate to ease anxiety, to explore your body, to orgasm, and any other reason that works for you. We mention different benefits/reasons for masturbating in this resource (click the masturbation icon). Take the time to learn more about your entire body. Yes, the clitoris is amazing and so is stimulating it! But don’t forget about all the feel-good things other body parts may enjoy.
If you would like to get a toy, we recommend:
The Satisfyer 2, an inexpensive air pressure, suction technology. First, we love how this toy looks! It's discreet and could seriously be mistaken for the hand piece of a facial cleaning product. This toy is easy to hold, has several settings, and can be used in water. Two words: Multiple orgasms! PRICE: $39.99
The Hitachi Magic Wand is very powerful and is highly recommended by masturbation coaches. This toy has a few models, from a plug-in to rechargeable, and can also double as a body massager. PRICE: starts at $69.99
The Tango, If you are looking for a beginner vibrator, we highly recommend it. It's small but powerful and is a great clitoral stimulator. It's size makes it easy to travel with or carry around with you, in case you want to incorporate it into a hookup or partnered sex. This toy does not use batteries, has several settings, and is waterproof. PRICE: $79
The Lavani is a vibrator where design was prioritized. It's one of the most beautiful vibrators we've seen, and its sleek and sexy design makes you feel like a god/goddess just for using it. Unlike the other vibrators mentioned, this one provides penetrative and clitoral stimulation. Its silicone material means it's bendable and can conform to your body shape and desire. This toy does not use batteries, has several settings, and is waterproof. PRICE: $139.99
Finally, have you checked out the worksheets on our website? From looking at your vulva and drawing it, setting the mood for yourself, and masturbating in front of others—we have created quite a few worksheets around masturbation. Check them out here.
We also came across an article called "A Virgin’s Guide to Masturbation"! It touches on what we mentioned above as well as a few other things.
Hopefully this has been helpful! So excited for your journey towards sexual exploration.
Peace, Power, & Pleasure,
Dalychia & Rafaella