can exes be friends?

question:

After realizing we wanted different things out of life, my partner and I finally called it quits. Now we are trying to figure out if we can be friends as exes. When we hang out, sometimes it genuinely feels like we’re just really good friends. Other times it feels really messy like we’re falling into old habits and a relationship again. I know we still have so much love for each other, but I just want to know if being friends is a healthy and realistic goal. 

answer:

Hello love, 

Thank you for reaching out to us. 

Often during a breakup, someone will utter “I want us to still be friends.” and while it sounds nice, even with the best intentions, it can be challenging. But it’s not impossible. Romantic and sexual relationships can form very intimate bonds that can last a lifetime, even as the relationship transitions from romantic to friendship. Wanting to be friends with your ex isn’t an unrealistic goal, but there are things you want to consider to determine if it is a healthy choice for you all. 

reasons why you may not want to be friends with your ex

To help you decide if it is a healthy choice to be friends with your ex, let’s first discuss some reasons why it might be healthy not to be. 

1. The Relationship Was Unhealthy 
   When we leave a relationship we often gain the distance we need to see the relationship from a different perspective. As you reflect on your relationship with your ex, was it a healthy one? While what an ideal relationship looks like can differ for everyone, most healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, care, and open communication. If you realize that in your relationship you felt disrespected more than respected, distrust more than trust, a lack of care and openness, or abuse of any kind, chances are it was an unhealthy relationship. And an unhealthy romantic or sexual relationship will often make for an unhealthy friendship. 
   
   

2. One of You Still Wants To Be Together 
   In order for a friendship with an ex to work, you both have to want a friendship. Too often folks stay friends with the hope that they will get back together. While it’s natural to still have feelings for one another, if you’re not honest about those feelings, it will most likely lead to someone getting their feelings hurt. If everyone is saying they want to be friends but every time you hang out it feels like you’re breaking up all over again or you find yourself in compromising positions, chances are one or both of you don’t actually want to just be friends. If you’re having a hard time moving on from your ex or it is clear that they want more than a friendship from you, it is probably best to end the friendship. 
   
   

3. Offering Friendship Was A Consolation Prize

   If you are trying to maintain a friendship because you feel guilty for ending the relationship or are trying to ease the pain of the breakup, a friendship probably won’t last. Relationships take work - all of them - including friendships. If you do not want to actually be someone’s friend, it will be felt. Many of us have been in one-sided friendships where you’re always the one to call, they take forever to return your texts, and you show up for them but they don’t show up for you. It feels so shitty. And it is painful because instead of allowing for a clean break that facilitates healing, we drag out the relationship in a way that feels increasingly distant and confusing. We aren’t doing anyone favors by being friends with them if we don’t want to be. If you’re in this situation and find it hard to take back the friendship you offered, you can try saying something like this to your ex, “I thought being friends was something I was able to do, but I’m learning that I can’t be a friend to you.” 
   

reasons why you may want to be friends with your ex

If your answer was no to the above points, you may be in a healthy position to be friends with your ex. Here are some reasons why being friends with your ex might be a great decision.

1. You Like Each Other
   Chances are if you were in a romantic and sexual relationship with someone, you genuinely like them as a person. You may have similar hobbies, values, and personality traits. You may trust, respect, and care deeply for one another. You may have a really great time in one another’s presence. If the relationship was healthy and ended on good terms, all of this is a recipe for a beautiful friendship. In fact, if the romantic and sexual aspects of the relationship are truly in the past, being friends with an ex can be a unique experience. When someone knows you so intimately, it can lead to a very loving, vulnerable, and valuable friendship. 
   
   

2. You’ve Both Moved On
   You all are exes for a reason. When both of you can accept the fact that the relationship you had ended, you create space for a new relationship to form. Being friends with an ex can’t feel like an extension of your previous relationship, it has to feel like something different, and for that to happen, both of you have to have moved on. This means that you feel good about the fact that your relationship is in the past and that you all will be in relationships with other people. If the thought of your ex being madly in love with someone else fills you with jealousy or heartache, chances are you have not moved on. 
   
   

3. You Share Community 
   If you work with your ex, have kids with your ex, or share a friend group with your ex, being friends might be a practical path forward. It may mean that you’re not the kind of friends who hang out 1:1, but you may need to be friendly with each other for the benefit of others or yourselves. These situations can be tricky because, like we’ll discuss shortly, it is recommended that after a breakup you have a period apart to heal before attempting a friendship. When there is work, kids, or other friends involved, you may not get the break your heart needs. But needing to get along for the sake of others can motivate you to find common ground and peaceful ways to work together. 
   

things to consider when pursuing a friendship with an ex

Once you and your ex decide that you do want to be friends, there are unique things to consider that differ from friendships with folks who you don’t have a romantic or sexual history with. 

1. Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal From The Breakup
   While it may feel tempting to immediately jump into a friendship after a breakup, most professionals advise that you all spend some time apart. When a relationship ends, no matter how mutual the decision was, it hurts. When we’re in a relationship we co-create what our future will be. We talk about kids we want to have, places we want to travel, homes we want to live in, dreams we want to actualize, and when a relationship ends those dreams often die or change. We may also want to reflect on the relationship, process what we learned about ourselves, where we didn’t take accountability, or how we felt harmed. We need space to grieve the loss of dreams, love, and connection we shared. Some folks need a couple of weeks for this process and some need years. However little or much time you need, it is important to give yourself space to grieve and heal from the relationship and breakup. 
   
   

2. Discuss Friendship Expectations and Boundaries 
   Whenever we are entering a relationship it is important to talk about the expectations and boundaries of that relationship. Being friends with an ex can be tricky because you have to separate what was a part of your sexual and romantic relationship from what is a part of your friendship. Maybe it was normal for you all to talk daily, grocery shop together weekly, and cuddle on the couch as you watched your favorite show together. Now you have to decide how often you all should talk, see, and touch one another. Maybe it’s normal for them to have sex with friends but it’s not normal for you and you all have to discuss that difference. Maybe you’re used to this person being the first one you call when you’re having a hard day, but as friends, you all don’t want to be each other’s main emotional support system. Some of the hardest and messiest parts of navigating a friendship with an ex is openly talking about these expectations and boundaries when they come up. Lucky for you all, your history means that you probably have the skills needed to have these hard conversations. 
   
   

3. The Feelings Of Future Partners
   If you and your ex remain friends, eventually you both may end up in new relationships. Understandably, your new partner may have some skepticism about you being friends with your ex. It’s important to talk openly to new partners about friends who you have a past with, to answer questions they may have about your past and current relationship with them, and to help them know that your ex is not a threat to the relationship you are building with them.
   

As we said earlier, all relationships take work. And we hope that the points we’ve laid out allow you to consider if you want to put in the work that is needed to build a friendship with your ex. While it may be challenging, it may also be a transformative and liberating process to grow and evolve your relationship into a deep friendship. 

With pleasure, peace, and power, 
Dalychia & Rafaella