orgasms, cumming, squirting - oh my!

Question: 

Greetings from a small island in the Caribbean. I was just wondering if you guys have any tips on achieving a female orgasm and 'cumming'. Also some clarification on what those terms mean and what squirting is.

Answer: 

Hi love,

Thanks for reaching out. We are always excited to hear from people who live across the globe! Just so we are using the same terminology, let’s start with reviewing the common meaning of some of the terms we will be talking about. There are many overarching definitions for each of these, so we will hit the main points: 

• Orgasm: The climax of sexual excitement. Physical pleasure centers in the genitals and for some people, throughout their entire body.

• Female Ejaculation (Cumming): The release of thick and whitish fluid from the female prostate, also referred to as the G-spot.

• Squirting: The release of a diluted fluid (urine and prostate fluid) from the urinary bladder.

Note: Some people consider female ejaculation and squirting to be the same thing. Some people use orgasm and cumming interchangeably.  

what is happening when I have an orgasm? 

As the body builds to a climax, nerve and muscle tension build up in the genitals, pelvis, butt, and thighs. When we peak these muscles begin to contract involuntarily and eventually release all of the tension--this results in orgasm. It is because of this tension release that some people clench their toes, fist, make faces, arch their back, or don't move at all. 

During an orgasm is when ejaculation occurs for both people with a penis or a vagina. However, penis owners are likely to ejaculate more often than someone with a vagina. There is a lot of research and debate around where female ejaculate comes from, what it is composed of, and why not all vagina owners are able to do it. Additionally, some people with vaginas express not enjoying the feeling of ejaculation and some report orgasm and ejaculation do not occur at the same time for them.  

Check out this article discussing female ejaculation. When it comes to the topic of squirting we found these interviews of squirting women and their experiences to be really insightful. Some key takeaways: It’s important to remember that squirting may happen to some women more often than others and some not at all and it’s ok, either way. If you are a woman who squirts during climax you and your partners may find this super sexy. But depending on your history with this subject it may come as a surprise or even a bit of embarrassment. There is nothing to be embarrassed about (in fact, lots of partners consider it a huge sign of accomplishment), but if you are hesitant about it or how your partner may react - talk to them about it beforehand. 

Now let's talk about having an orgasm. For many people with a vulva (the external female sex organs), stimulating the clitoris is one of the easiest and quickest ways to reach climax. 

This can be done in a variety of ways—by using the hands, mouth, body pressure, and toys. There are nearly 8,000 sensory nerve endings in the clitoris alone! It can be very sensitive to direct touch, making it important to take your time and find out what feels best. 

Another important organ to use is the brain! Thoughts, emotions, and senses have a huge impact on our sexual experiences. It is important to relax and focus on what you are feeling while exploring your body, as opposed to worrying about if you are doing something correctly. Pay attention to your body - it will definitely answer that question. Our Erotic Care Plan is a tool for learning more about your erotic self and exploring the things that bring you pleasure and excitement.

It's also important to think about what you are expecting during solo and partnered sex. Movies, books, and pornography typically depict an unrealistic expectation that women have orgasms as easily and as often as men. In reality, research shows that 70% of women (specifically those with a vagina) never or rarely have an orgasm during penetrative sex alone. The truth is that many need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. Masturbation is an amazing practice that can decrease the orgasm gap and increase pleasure when having sex with a partner.

Even if you know how to get yourself off when masturbating, sometimes you have to mix it up! Trying new techniques and exploring different ways to have an orgasm only makes it easier to climax with a partner. You can also play with different speeds, pressure, positions, toys vs fingers, and more. Check out our Solo Sex Workbook for more tips and suggestions to expand and explore your masturbation practice. If you are having difficulty climaxing during partnered sex, we encourage you to not only communicate your likes and dislikes but to also show them what you like. 

Oh, and use lube! Personal lubricants, or lube, are gel-like substances used during sexual acts, such as intercourse, oral sex, and masturbation, to reduce friction between body parts and toys or create more ease to penetration. Lube isn't just for penetration but can be added to the fingers for clitoral, nipple, and anal stimulation and can be rubbed on other body parts for teasing and massaging.

 We hope some of this has been helpful!

With peace, power, & pleasure,

Dalychia and Rafaella