what to do when your partner isn’t giving you oral sex
Question:
Hi! I’m hoping you could point me to the best path, or maybe your book? I love getting oral and giving it, but my partner doesn’t like giving oral, but he sure does enjoy receiving it. It’s becoming an issue with our sex life. I don’t feel like he’s trying to please me the same way I am doing for him, so I end up withholding giving him oral, and we both end up feeling some kind of way. Is there a way through this? We have been together for almost 2 years.
Answer:
Hi love,
Thank you for sharing such intimate aspects of your relationship with us. Your desire for oral sex is valid and so are your feelings of frustration. It may comfort you to know multiple studies show heterosexual women are more likely to give than receive oral sex in both casual and committed relationships. Why is this? It could be a combination of cultural norms, stereotypes, and expectations about who initiates sex and how.
That said, we’re happy to give you some advice that will hopefully help you navigate this issue in your relationship.
is oral sex overrated?
Oral sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it can bring immense pleasure.
For people with vulvas, in particular, oral sex stimulates the clitoris—the primary source of female pleasure. There are over 8,000 nerve endings in the tip of the clitoris, which help create the sensations you feel that often tip you over the edge. It’s no wonder oral sex is something many people enjoy!
Plus, many people with vulvas achieve orgasms through clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetrative sex. To support this, a 2017 study by Prof. Debby Herbenick discovered that 36.6% of women surveyed needed clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm during sex. On the other hand, only 18.4% of women surveyed said vaginal penetration was sufficient enough for them to climax.
do men like giving oral sex?
This is a golden question, and the answer is different for every man. A national dyadic study of oral sex, relationship quality, and wellbeing among older couples found males giving their female partners oral sex was positively linked to their wellbeing. The reason being, that they felt doing so increased their partner’s relationship satisfaction. In other words, men surveyed in this study enjoyed giving oral sex because they felt it made their partners more satisfied within the relationship.
The study also found that older adults who gave oral sex to their partner had better relationship quality than those who didn’t as often.
That said, not all men enjoy giving oral sex, just like not all women do. The key to resolving the issue you’re having is first exploring what some of their reasons not to give oral might be and then deciding what that means for you and your relationship.
For example, perhaps he feels like giving oral sex isn’t “macho” and doing so makes him less than a man. It could also be that he’s holding onto the myth that pleasing you that way makes him sexually submissive or “pussy-whipped”. These are examples of decade-old stereotypes that giving head is something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Although we live in a time where pop culture has normalized giving women oral sex, some men may still hold onto those myths.
explore your deal breakers
Relationships often require compromise to work. However, you should never have to compromise things that are integral to your happiness, as it can lead to resentment and sexual dissatisfaction. Therefore, it’s critical to know what your sexual deal breakers are.
So, get a notepad and write down what your sexual essentials are. What do you need to have the optimum sexual experience? What can you do without?
This is a good way to gauge your sexual compatibility and get a better understanding of what your needs vs. wants are. Consider using some of these questions to guide you through this process of discovery.
When do I feel most sexually fulfilled?
What do I need to reach orgasm?
What are common themes in my worst sexual experiences?
What are common themes in my sexual fantasies?
What does a bad sexual encounter look like for me?
have an honest discussion
A bomb sex life often begins with honest and open communication. Although you have expressed your need for oral sex, how deeply have you explored his resistance?
Here are some things you may want to discuss with your partner, granted they are open to discussing them. Tread with compassion as they can be sensitive topics to open up about.
Cultural beliefs: Sometimes people don’t engage in certain sexual activities because of cultural beliefs. Find out if your partner has any that are keeping him from giving you pleasure in your desired method. Also, talk about where his cultural beliefs about cunnilingus came from. This is also a reminder that sometimes we adopt cultural beliefs that don’t align with our core beliefs and who we are now. It’s ok to let go of them if they no longer serve who you are now.
Sexual trauma/shame: Does your partner carry sexual shame around oral sex? How does oral sex make him feel? Understanding why he doesn’t enjoy doing it can give you better context for moving forward.
Sexual boundaries: Dig deeper to understand why your partner doesn’t want to give oral sex and whether it’s a dislike or a boundary. Keep in mind everyone is allowed to have sexual boundaries and they should be respected. This would also be a good time to discuss both of your sexual boundaries to learn more about one another and manage your expectations. It’s a great way to gauge your sexual compatibility, too.
Also, communicate what oral sex means to you beyond pleasure. Does receiving oral make you happier in your relationship? Help you feel more deeply connected to him? Make you feel appreciated and loved? Communicating these things is another way to help your partner see how important this sex act is to you.
consider alternatives
If not receiving oral sex from your partner isn’t a complete deal-breaker, explore other alternatives. “What possible alternatives are there to oral sex?”, you ask. Well, thanks to technology and innovation, there are toys that mimic cunnilingus such as the Satisfyer Pro 2 Clitoral Stimulator, the Ultimate Pleasure Oral Sex Stimulator, or the French Kiss Casanova.
Consider shopping from Black-owned sex shops when looking for your new clitoral stimulation sex toy. Although you are using a sex toy to substitute for the lack of oral sex, your partner may be willing to join in and use them on you.
discuss counseling
Sometimes couples face challenges they can’t resolve on their own, and there’s no shame in that. Consider sex therapy for couples if you aren’t making progress on your own. It’s a good way to create a safe space for both of you to discuss your sexual needs. Having an experienced and mutual third party who can help you see one another’s point of view from different angles can be tremendously helpful.
The sex therapist may also have the necessary tools to help you find a solution that leaves both of you happy and satisfied. However, it’s key that you choose someone who is culturally competent, and you both feel comfortable with.
Bottom line is, your sexual needs and desires are valid, and it’s normal to want them to be fulfilled within a relationship. Hopefully, by learning more about where your partner is coming from and being honest about your core sexual needs, you can meet somewhere in the middle.
With Peace, Power, & Pleasure,
Dalychia & Rafaella