4 practices for building a culture of consent
question:
Hi Afrosexology,
Since #MeToo, my friends and I have been talking more about rape culture and the many ways our culture normalizes assault, like romanticizing Steve Urkel's decade-long harassment of Laura Winslow. I know we need to end rape culture, but how? Do you have any advice on how we build a consent culture?
answer:
Hi love,
Really great question. I'm glad you and your friends are having important conversations about consent. And that this awareness of the harmful behaviors our culture normalizes has brought you to this beautiful question of what behaviors we want to normalize instead.
Yeaaa, rewatching childhood favorite shows like Family Matters can really make you cringe, but it's important to remember that none of us knew then what we know now. Even today we often limit consent discussions to romantic and sexual relationships, but consent can be practiced and violated in all types of relationships. The creation of the US involved methods like colonization, genocide, and enslavement - all of which are violent violations of consent. This practice of violence, exploitation, and domination shows up in our culture in many ways, one way being rape culture.
When it comes to building a culture of consent, we like SHIFT's definition of a culture "where all people are respected and have autonomy, choice, and agency, to decide for themselves what is best and right for them". This definition goes beyond sexual and romantic relationships and asks us to explore how we practice consent with everyone we interact with.
Here's the hard truth - those who created the problem will not be the ones to solve it. So while it would be great if the systems and institutions in positions of power would commit to building a consent culture, the shift, like every culture shift, is most likely going to come from the people. It's important for us to remember that the behaviors we practice in our lives and communities can have ripple effects on our larger culture. So we are going to offer you 4 behaviors that you and your friends can start practicing today to help us build a consent culture.
Please note that folks could write a whole book about each of these practices, so know that we are only scratching the surface.
practice self consent
Self-consent is about respecting your needs, wants, and limits. It's the practice of noticing our internal cues, curiously listening to ourselves, and making decisions that honor our authentic selves.
It sounds simple but it's not easy. A lot of us were raised to hug elders when we didn't want to, to deny ourselves the extra piece of dessert, or to be more realistic about our dreams. All of these lessons teach us to force ourselves to do things we don't want to do and deny ourselves the things we want to do.
One of the key elements of consent culture is creating space for everyone's authentic yes and no and we can start by understanding our own. We encourage you to reflect on the following:
What does a no feel like in my body?
What does a yes feel like in my body?
Why have I said yes when I've wanted to say no?
Why have I said no when I've wanted to say yes?
As we explore these questions we gain insights about how our body communicates with us. Even if we aren't ready to assert boundaries or pursue desires, this information increases our opportunities to become aware of conditioning or experiences that block us from practicing self-consent.
learn how to handle rejection
Being rejected feels awful. It takes a lot of vulnerability to put ourselves out there, take a risk, and pursue something or someone we desire. And when it doesn't work out, we can have a number of feelings including humiliation, inadequacy, and frustration.
It sucks, and when we don't want to or know how to deal with those feelings we can react in ways that counter consent culture. We might spend time trying to convince someone to change their answer from a no to a yes. We might react negatively or violently toward the person rejecting us. Or we may decide to never take risks again to avoid feeling those feelings.
But if we want to create a culture of consent we have to respect each other's nos. To practice this we can try:
Thanking people for their no. Even though it hurts, expressing gratitude when people give us their honest answers helps us all feel a little more comfortable giving and receiving nos.
Feeling your feelings! Explore what you need when you are feeling rejected. It may be a moment to yourself, processing with friends, or affirming and grounding yourself. Figuring out what we need helps us to deal with future rejection better and to feel all of our feelings instead of projecting or avoiding them.
Reframing rejection so you don't take it personally. When folks reject us, we often think there is something wrong with us, but there may be a number of reasons why that opportunity or relationship didn't work out. They might not have the capacity to work with you, aren't looking for a relationship, or dealing with health concerns. Reframing the rejection to 1 of the million other possibilities can help us take rejection less personally.
release gender binary beliefs
Anthropologist Dr. Peggy Sanday studies rape-free and rape-prone cultures. She has found that in cultures that have extremely low rates of sexual violence, men aren't seen as being superior to women. Everyone plays an equal role in society and is valued for their differences. In these societies, there is little to no attempt in trying to control or dominate other people or the environment. In contrast, rape-prone cultures have very limited definitions and expectations of different sexes. In those cultures where men are constantly trying to prove their manliness, sexual violence is often used as a way to assert their dominance.
Not only do these gender binaries contribute to sexism, heterosexism, cis-sexism, and a whole lot of other isms, but it also distorts many of our ideas of sexual violence. For example, equating masculinity to sexual prowess leads us to believe that all men always want sex. This doesn't create space for men to say no to sex or to openly talk about the sexual violence they've experienced. There are a number of examples where adults orchestrate situations of sexual violence for boys as a right of passage into masculinity, ie. Boosie bragging about hiring a sex worker for his 12 year old son.
Releasing these limited gender beliefs would free all of us in ways we can't yet imagine. We're honored to be living in a time when Queer & Trans folks are visibly embodying this freedom and willing to teach us their wisdom. We encourage you to reflect on what you believe you are supposed or not supposed to do because of your gender. For almost every belief, you can find an example of someone challenging or contradicting it. It's up to you to decide which beliefs you want to uphold and which ones you want to release. As we do that work for ourselves, we create more space for others to express themselves in ways that align with their beliefs about themself.
normalize healing
Even if we build a consent culture, it doesn't mean we will never experience harm. We need to increase our skills for supporting ourselves and others on our healing journeys. There are so many ancient and new-age healing practices to learn from reiki to therapy to somatic experiencing and soooo much more.
There is an ancient Japanese art called Kintsugi where broken pottery is repaired with gold. Instead of hiding the cracks, it highlights them and the beauty they add to the vessel. Often in conversations about healing, there can be this pressure to return to who we were before. This may keep us stuck in this binary of being either healed or broken. Kintsugi reminds us that healing isn't about fixing or covering up our history, but about understanding how our experiences shape us and seeing the beauty in this version of ourselves. Healing allows us to see our trauma as a part of our story but not the whole story.
One practice to normalize healing is sharing and asking about our glimmers. Many of us are familiar with triggers - the signals that make our body feel as if we’re re-experiencing a past traumatic experience. When we’re triggered our body perceives that we are in danger and goes into flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. Whereas triggers make us feel unsafe, glimmers bring us back to safety. There are many internal and external glimmers we could all tap into to feel more safe and grounded in our life. Glimmers can be a song, smell, taking deep breaths, going for a walk outside, a photo of your dog, or anything that makes you feel joy and safety.
Normalizing healing also means that we don't have to be on our healing journey alone, that we can share the wisdom, survivor skills, and healing practices that we've learned along the way, and that we can witness and support one another as we process our hurt. Our upcoming webinar Sex After Trauma is about creating a space where we can normalize healing, explore how trauma impacts us, and learn various practices to support our healing.
Building a culture of consent will take time, but we hope these practices offer you guidance on how you can start practicing consent in all of your relationships.
With pleasure, peace, and power,
Dalychia & Rafaella