preparing for your first threesome
Question:
I am 34 and have a great lover who has allowed me the space to push my sexual pleasure. I grew up as one of the few Blacks at an all girl catholic school. So on top of the regular Black oppression around sex, it also layered on Catholic guilt around sex (even though I wasn't raised catholic). I am interested in exploring same sex interactions with my partner who is 100% supportive but keep finding myself holding back. I fear how it may impact my relationship as well as my sexuality. Can you provide any advice on how to approach threesomes with a long term partner? Rules we should consider, places or apps to find a third person. Appreciate your insights.
Answer:
Hey love!
Thanks for being courageous enough to ask this question. We can relate to your sexual repression––sadly, it’s something Black women experience too often. We want to affirm your sexual desires aren’t uncommon, many people are interested in having a threesome. A recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior surveyed 231 American undergraduate college students, and a mix of 1,344 adults and found about 81% of participants had some interest in mixed-gender threesomes.
That said, it’s completely normal to feel these fears and yes, they are things you can work through. You are off to a good start by already considering “how to prepare for a threesome.” Preparation goes a long way to ensuring a pleasurable experience for everyone. Since this is a multi-part question, we’ve provided several tips for how to navigate your first threesome below.
explore your underlying beliefs
It’s great to hear that your partner is supportive of you exploring same-sex interactions–that can certainly make preparing for a threesome much easier! However, the most important person is you. First, find out where the resistance is coming from. A good starting point is exploring your underlying beliefs.
Get a journal and write down every feeling and thought you have about same-sex relations. Also, write down fears you have about how a threesome will impact your relationship. Next, ask yourself where these beliefs came from.
You may find you’re still holding onto beliefs you’ve adopted from other people or given to you by family members or religion. Such beliefs can create sexual shame, which isn’t something you should have to carry. If this is the case, it’s important you release those beliefs and adopt ones that serve who you are now.
Here are some specific questions to ask yourself to gauge your beliefs around same sex relations and threesomes.
What are my values?
What are my beliefs?
Where did they come from?
How do they make me feel?
Do I agree with them?
Are they serving me now?
Do they align with who I am now?
Here is an example of an answer you could end up with from this exercise:
Old Belief: Christianity says same-sex relations are abominable, so my desire to be with a woman is morally wrong.
New Belief: We are all free to embrace our sexual desires, so mine are valid. I fully accept my desires and who I am without shame.
Examining the roots of your discomfort is an important part of preparing for a threesome - it’s hard to communicate and connect with your partners if you aren’t sure how you feel or where your hang-ups are coming from.
have open and honest dialogue
Once you’ve dealt with any internal fears and resistance you’re feeling, it’s a good time to discuss your reservations with your partner. I know it can be a nerve-wracking conversation to have, but it is necessary when prepping for a threesome (or any new sexual experience, really). On the brighter side, uncomfortable conversations can boost intimacy in your relationship. When you discuss uncomfortable topics, you allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is necessary for deeper intimacy. It also creates room for your partner to learn more about who you are as a person--fears and all.
To start the conversation, perhaps discuss things you’re enjoying in your sex life, presently. You can then segway into what you’d like to explore next and what you feel is holding you back. Discuss how you’re feeling and brainstorm ideas to make you feel more comfortable.
It would also be a good time to learn about any fantasies your partner would like to explore, too. Listen, keep an open mind when they share desires, and try to avoid being judgmental.
Manage your expectations in case you don’t get the response you want. If the conversation goes left and gets too intense, it’s ok to take a break and revisit it when you’re both in a better space. You may not agree on everything but understanding and respect are important.
set boundaries
Boundaries are extremely important when bringing another person into the bedroom. Think through things that you’d be ok with and things that are a definite no. These are called “limits.”
For example, you may want to agree that you only sexually engage with the third partner together, never individually. Some couples like to establish which sexual and intimate acts are for them and which ones can be shared with others. They may have a no penetration policy, no kissing and cuddling rule, or a look but don’t touch agreement. You want to discuss your’s and your partner’s boundaries and keep in mind that your third person will have boundaries of their own. The goal here is to set the tone for your threesome, so there are no surprises or grievances later on.
These “limits” will help you define the boundaries of your threesome, later on. Some people call these “rules” which is really just another word for boundaries. When reality fails to meet expectations, previously established boundaries will keep everyone safe and on the same page. We use rules in a game to keep things fair; We use rules in a threesome for the same reasons. They are simply previously agreed to mutual expectations.
protect your pleasure
As long as you’re sexually active, you should be getting STI testing at least once a year. Be sure you, your partner, and the person you’re introducing into the bedroom have all been tested.
What types of testing should you get? The Centers for Disease and Control Prevention recommends getting the following:
HIV
Gonorrhea
Chlamydia
Syphilis
If you have multiple partners, they recommend getting tested every six months.
It's a good idea to use condoms, dental dams, and gloves as they minimize the spread of STIs.
Another way to protect your pleasure is by creating safewords. You can use them if any of you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. So, you could use the word “red” or “pineapple” if you want to stop, for instance. We recommend creating a safeword that means stop, slow down, and keep going so that you all are able to check in with one another throughout the experience.
Remember, it’s ok to change your mind at any point during sex whether that means pausing or stopping altogether. It’s important for you and everyone in the room to feel safe, be in control of their sexual experiences, know that their needs are valid, and feel confident speaking up if they’re uncomfortable.
use apps to find your + 1
Now, for one of the tougher tasks––how do you find someone who is interested in participating in your threesome? There really is an app for everything, so why not a threesome app?!
You can try different threesome dating apps such as:
When using these apps, take the same precautions you would with online dating. That includes not telling prospects sensitive information too soon, verifying their identity before meeting (e.g., video call), and meeting in a public place for the first time.
Also, be clear and honest about what you’re looking for. Is it a one-time hook up? Would you like it to be an ongoing arrangement if you connect? Are you looking to explore things like BDSM? Being clear about what you want up front will help ensure you’re on the same page and manage expectations.
Above all, know that all of your sexual desires are valid, and you deserve pleasure. Hopefully, these tips give you clarity and the confidence you need to sexually explore!
With pleasure, peace, and power,
Dalychia & Rafaella