how to masturbate in front of your partner
Question:
My partner loves watching me masturbate but I often get shy and then feel like I'm taking too long and then can't orgasm. How do I feel more comfortable and take my time?
Answer:
Hello love,
Thank you for your question. This is such a common experience and many people have reached out to us to express their frustration with “taking too long” to orgasm during partnered or solo sex. Society has pressured us to be moving, productive, and quick to complete tasks all the time. That idea can seep into our sex lives and views around sex, which minimizes the focus on pleasure and prioritizes sexual performance. But there is no stopwatch or judge for the way you have sex and experience pleasure. It’s okay to take however long it takes to orgasm. In fact, you can reframe it as having more time to experience pleasure.
The sexual block that is created from stress and worrying about how much time has passed typically keeps us from reaching pleasure and orgasm. All that said, it is also important for us to recognize that an orgasm doesn’t have to be the end goal of every sexual experience. Acknowledging that can be the permission you need to feel more relaxed, have fun, and experience more pleasure.
Masturbating for your partner can be a great way to foster connection, build your arousal, and create excitement for partnered sex. So here are a few suggestions for getting more comfortable the next time.
reflect on the barriers
Reflecting on the parts of your experience that feel like barriers to connection, pleasure, and being present will be an important aspect of working through your shyness. Get honest with yourself and ask questions.
How does your shyness manifest in front of your partner?
Do you stop masturbating or change the way that you touch yourself?
Are you turned off? Do you feel embarrassed?
Why does the length of time stir up those feelings? Does your partner seem restless or bored?
Are shaming messages about masturbation coming up?
We have been taught for much of our lives that sex and masturbation are done in private, so it makes sense that you may feel less confident and shy when doing those acts in front of others. As you explore answers to those questions, questions of your own may surface. Pay attention to your responses and then dig deeper. Include facts and research to challenge your thoughts when necessary. Be curious and patient with yourself as you begin taking notes of when those thoughts show up in the moment. Reflect on if there is a memory that triggers certain thoughts. Oftentimes, we find that many of our thoughts derive from feelings and false narratives, so backing up your sources can help quiet your brain's unhelpful responses.
set the mood
Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, “What could I be doing differently?” You may feel bored, not fully aroused, or like you don’t know what else to do with your body. Creating an environment that engages your senses can help your mind and body have more things to focus on, leaving less room for you to ask yourself if you are taking too long.
Do you enjoy listening to sexy R&B music during sex? Does the smell of chocolate arouse you? Which materials feel pleasant on your body? Would tuning into your partner’s face of arousal be a turn on? Think about what helps you feel calm, sexy, aroused, and good in your body and bring those elements into the space.
You may also consider what you need mentally and physically to set the mood. If you are feeling stressed about life events or haven’t eaten all day, your mind and body may actually be signaling you to hurry up so that it can get back to addressing those other matters. So, explore ways to de-stress and take care of your body before having sex.
center your own pleasure
Masturbating in front of your partner can be really intimidating. Masturbating alone and watching yourself in the mirror is a great way to work through this shyness. Being your own audience allows you to see what your partner sees, but also builds intimacy with yourself. You get to enjoy your own sexiness, don’t have to feel like you have someone to perform for, and can get closer to yourself. Experiencing you solely for yourself can greatly change your feelings about masturbating for your partner. Seeing yourself experience pleasure can give you insight into how it might feel for your partner to watch you.
It is also a great way to remind yourself that the goal is for you to explore yourself and feel good. Go into the experience wanting to focus on pleasure. What feels good? How does your touch feel to you? What changes do you notice in your body when you are masturbating? Is your breath more shallow or quickened? Paying attention to the sensations of pleasure may help you break down any sexual blocks and get closer to climaxing. A lot of the pressure around needing to orgasm actually makes it much harder to orgasm.
communicate with your partner
After doing some self-reflection to understand your feelings, consider talking to your partner about your experience. Tell your partner that you feel pressure to perform or to reach orgasm within a certain time. This gives you an opportunity to connect with one another and also fact-check your thoughts about what is happening. Your partner may share that they enjoy every minute of seeing you experience pleasure, and they don’t feel like it is taking too long. Hearing that may help you feel calmer and more confident the next time you masturbate in front of your partner.
Having this conversation can also lead to exploring ways that your partner could be more involved in the moment; if that is something you want. Your partner may be willing to engage in crowd participation as opposed to watching at a distance. This could look like them expressing what they enjoy about watching you masturbate, offering you positive affirmations, saying that they are turned on, and telling you what they want to see you do to yourself. They can also be engaged physically by kissing you, handing you toys, or massaging your body.
It is very common for us to be shy when performing sexual acts in front of others. Use the tips above to think about the activity differently. View it as an intimacy-building activity with your partner, a way for you to connect, learn more about what you enjoy, and experience each other. Masturbating in front of your partner can be a fun, liberating, and truly sexy experience. Check out our Solo Sex Workbook and the How to Put on a Masturbation Show webinar for more education and techniques!
With pleasure, peace, and power,
Dalychia & Rafaella