is porn bad? overcoming shame and permitting pleasure
Question:
Suggestions for having a healthier relationship with porn; I enjoy it during watching but feel guilty / off afterward.
Answer:
Hello love!
First of all, thank you for being brave enough to share something that is vulnerable with us! Secondly, you should know that you aren’t alone. Considering the way porn and sex work are morally frowned upon in ur society, unfortunately, it’s common that people experience shame around porn.
Religious beliefs and conditioning around when and how we should have sex make us believe porn is morally unacceptable. But guess what? That’s simply untrue. Porn can be a great way to explore new sexual desires, enhance masturbation, and bring you pleasure. But how can you experience the immense benefits of porn if you’re riddled with guilt afterwards?
The tips below should guide you to unpack that shame and form your own beliefs around porn.
understand why you’re watching porn
Why do you watch porn? This question may help you to uncover the source of your shame.
Some reasons you may be watching include making your masturbation sessions steamier or to add a new dynamic to sex with your partner. Maybe you’re looking for new sex positions, trying to explore your sexuality, figuring out what turns you on, or you simply find watching people knock boots pleasurable. All of these are valid reasons.
Understanding why you’re watching porn can help you identify where the disconnect between your actions and beliefs are coming from, which we’ll discuss more about later. As a quick example, if you watch sex because it makes masturbating more exciting, but you don’t believe self-pleasure is morally acceptable, that could cause feelings of shame.
explore your beliefs around porn
Many of us have watched movies with parents or guardians and squirmed when sex scenes came on. If this is an experience you can relate with, you’ve probably received messaging that watching people have sex is inappropriate or wrong.
Maybe you’ve heard things like “sex is sacred”, or sex is something that should be kept behind closed doors. Perhaps you were taught that sex is for procreation and not pleasure, so watching people enjoy sex feels wrong. Beliefs like these can subconsciously shape how you feel about watching porn and how you view sex and pleasure.
Let's explore your beliefs around porn, so we can understand the source of your shame. Here are two activities you can use to guide you.
Exercise 1: Write down every word that comes to mind when you think of porn. Examples include “dirty”, “lust”, “sexy”, or “dark”.
After writing down all the words you can, ask yourself where those thoughts and ideas came from and if these beliefs truly align with who you are now.
Exercise 2: Unpack the sexual shame by asking yourself what about porn is causing you to feel shame. Is it watching people having sex? The ethics around sex workers? The genre of porn you’re watching? The ages of the individuals performing? Is the sex rougher than you believe sex should be? Are religious undertones making you feel sex is sinful? The answers to these questions will help you better understand the shame you’re feeling and how to tackle it.
establish your sexual values
Beliefs shape our values, the choices we make, and ultimately how we live our lives. Everyone has values about sex and if your actions don’t align with those values, it can cause cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance occurs when you have conflicting beliefs that cause mental discomfort. For instance, if one of the words you wrote down from the above brainstorm was “sinful”, an underlying attitude or value you may have about porn is that sex should be conserved for marriage. So, watching it would likely make you feel like a hypocrite and bring up feelings of shame.
Understanding your values about sex is another way to gain insight to where the shame after watching porn is coming from. Think about and write down your values about sex to get a better understanding.
Some examples include:
“Sex is a form of pleasure everyone deserves”
“Porn isn’t something any respectable person should engage in”
“Sex is only morally acceptable if it’s done in committed and loving relationships”
“All consensual sex is good sex”
“Sex work is respectable work and a form of entertainment”
“Sex is a private affair that shouldn’t be visible to outsiders”
Once you understand your present sex values, it’s time to decide whether they truly align with who you are. If you believe everyone deserves to experience sexual pleasure in a way that feels good to them, then perhaps it's time to let go of values that don’t align with this belief.
The ultimate goal of these exercises and asking yourself these questions is to try and create harmony between your beliefs and sexual values. If you believe porn isn’t morally wrong and you deserve pleasure, then there isn’t anything to be ashamed of. However, if after unpacking the source of the shame you find porn doesn’t align with your sexual values, think about whether it’s truly for you.
give yourself permission to feel pleasure
Now it’s time to dive into the more practical stuff. Knowledge is great, but how can you actively get rid of shame so you can watch porn in peace? Here are a few tips that we hope will help!
1) think of porn as a movie:
When you watch people doing “morally bad things” in movies like fighting, killing, or stealing, do you feel bad after watching? If not, why not? Because it’s a form of entertainment meant to bring you pleasure. In a similar light, you don’t have to feel guilty after watching porn; allow yourself to feel good.
2) stop the negative self-talk:
What conversations are you having with yourself during and after porn? If you find you’re susceptible to negative self-talk, show yourself compassion and remind yourself that you’re a divine human and pleasure is your birthright! Any time you find critical or judgmental thoughts creeping in have a positive affirmation ready to tackle it.
3) give yourself permission to feel pleasure:
The only person often standing in the way of our pleasure is us. Get out of your way and remind yourself you are worthy of pleasure. Not the kind of pleasure society says you should have but the abundant type of pleasure that comes in any way you want it to. In this context, it may look like getting off to a steamy flick!
4) be mindful:
When shame starts to creep in after watching porn, remind yourself that you’re allowed to feel pleasure and there is nothing shameful about it. That shame may show up as a sudden low mood, knots in your stomach, edginess, or unease. Take your focus off the shame and be present with the pleasure and arousal you feel in the moment. If your nipples are hard, focus on that. If your clitoris is becoming more sensitive, your penis is getting harder, or you feel your body temperature rising, immerse yourself in that feeling. This can help you be present in your body and pleasure while leaving less room for shame.
5) watch porn that aligns with your values:
Healthy porn use can be beneficial. After establishing your values, you may realize you don’t like porn sites that feature teens or contain videos riddled with offensive racist language. Maybe you need to find a genre or website/content provider that better aligns with your values. Some examples of ethical porn sites include:
6) incorporate aftercare practices:
There are aftercare practices you can use to minimize and hopefully eliminate the shame you feel after watching porn. This will look different for everyone and may take time, so think about what would make you feel centered, worthy, and loved in that moment. It could be journaling about what you found enjoyable, thanking yourself for allowing yourself to experience pleasure, or cuddling yourself to sleep.
Is watching porn bad? There are many benefits of watching porn. Finding material that allows you to realize the positive effects of watching pornography is a deeply personal venture that only you will be able to realize. It can be an erotic and enjoyable experience. Hopefully, after practicing some of the activities and strategies above, it will become more enjoyable for you. Happy viewing!
With pleasure, peace, and power,
Dalychia & Rafaella