why don’t I enjoy sex?

Question:

I'm hoping you can help. Embarrassed to admit that I'm a woman who struggles with sex. I don't necessarily enjoy penetration, I actually struggle with it. Had an instance last night with a guy I'm seeing. How can I make sex more pleasurable? 

Answer: 

Hello love. First, there is nothing to be embarrassed about; this is your experience and it’s a valid one. You aren’t the only woman who doesn’t enjoy sex and guess what? Acknowledging you’re struggling is a step in the right direction. Public Health England released a national study on around 7,000 women over the age of 16 with a focus on their reproductive health. Their findings? Almost half of the women between the ages of 25-34 said they didn’t have an enjoyable sex life. As a society, women are not encouraged to embrace and explore our sexuality which often leads to sexual dissatisfaction.  

However, you have an opportunity to explore your sexual needs with curiosity and discover why you don’t enjoy sex. Here is some information that could help. 

defining sex 

Before exploring the reasons that you aren’t enjoying sex, let’s explore how you define it. Most people define sex as penetration, which in itself can be limiting. 

Sex can be about pleasure, exploration, connection, play and so much more. When we broaden our definition, we can experience make-out sessions, sexting, erotic massages, and other activities as sexual. That said, just because you don’t enjoy penetration, it doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy sex.

Now, let’s explore a few reasons you may not enjoy sex. 

unmet sexual needs

Everyone has different requirements when it comes to sex. When those needs aren’t met, it can lead to unsatisfying sexual encounters. Start by thinking about what your sexual needs are and what would make sex pleasurable for you. 

Some questions to explore this include: 

• What gets you in the headspace and mood for sex? (feeling relaxed, fresh fragrances, having no distractions, etc.)

• What arouses you before sex? (touching certain body parts, sex talk, kissing etc.)

• How do you know when you’re fully aroused? (heart racing, temperature going up, nipples becoming hard, etc.)

• What does arousal feel like to you? (what physical and emotional changes do you notice or what type of thoughts do you have?)

• What type of things turn you off during sex? (not feeling your pleasure matters, unpleasant smells, non-consensual aggression, etc.)

• What aspects of sex are most pleasurable? (licking, kissing, cuddling, massaging, etc.)

Penetration is often not pleasurable if we are not aroused and unfortunately, many people engage in penetrative sex before their body is ready. Also, remember many people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. A study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy of 1,055 women between ages 18 and 94 found that 36.6% of respondents needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm and another 36% said clitoral stimulation enhanced their orgasm. If you fall into this category and aren’t receiving adequate clitoral stimulation, it could contribute to you not enjoying sex. 

you have blocks 

Sometimes, penetration isn’t enjoyable because you have blocks. When you’re mentally or emotionally blocked, it’s difficult for you to get turned on. 

What are blocks? 

They can look like sexual shame, trauma from negative sexual experiences, depression, or stress. When you’re struggling with these things, they can cause a disconnect between your mind and body--a connection that can make sex enjoyable. However, a holistic approach to sex–one that involves body, mind, and spirit– can make it more satisfying. 

Think about anything causing stress or anxiety in your life and identify practical ways to minimize them. 

You can also consider some of the following activities to help remove blocks and de-stress: 

• Sensual massages 

• A hot shower or bath 

• Scented candles and music 

• Carving out time daily for a self-care activity 

• Meditation 

• Exercise 

• Therapy 

• Talking to your partner about your blocks 

If you’re dealing with sexual shame, read our post on unlearning sexual shame for practical tips on dealing with it. We also list a myriad of Pleasure Practices that can fill your body with feel-good hormones and help you be intentional about experiencing pleasure. 

low sex drive

It isn’t uncommon for people’s sex drive to fluctuate throughout their lifetime. Major life changes like job loss, stress, or relationship issues can affect your desire to have sex. Before you go into panic mode, know that having a low sex drive doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It’s only a cause of concern if it makes you unhappy or you have symptoms that point towards a medical condition. 

You may also want to think about whether you’re sexually compatible with your partner if you are not able to reach a compromise regarding your sexual preferences. When two people aren’t on the same wavelength about how often they want to have sex, it can cause sexual dissatisfaction for both parties. 

It’s also important you don’t feel pressured to have sex. If you don’t want to do it every day and aren’t in the mood often, that’s ok. It’s only an issue if you say it is. Don’t feel the need to adopt socially acceptable sexual norms; you’re a unique individual with your own sexual identity! 

it’s painful 

Do you consistently feel physical pain when you’re having penetrative sex? That could (not always) be an indication of something that requires medical attention.

Painful intercourse is coined dyspareunia–consistent pain that you feel before, during, or after penetrative sex. Some symptoms include aching, burning, or throbbing pain during entry, thrusting, or post intercourse. 

Other conditions associated with painful penetration are: 

• Vaginismus: When your body reacts fearfully–usually by the vaginal muscles tightening–to any form of penetration.  It can cause pain or discomfort during sexual intercourse. 

• Pelvic floor dysfunction: When there’s excess tension on your pelvic floor muscles or not enough. It can cause pain during intercourse, constipation, pain in your pelvic region, and urinary incontinence. 

• Hormonal changes: When the levels of estrogen and testosterone in your body change, sex can become painful. This is most common during menopause and when breastfeeding. Luckily, there are hormonal treatments that can help.  

• Uterine Fibroids: Non-cancerous tumors that grow on the wall of your uterus. When you place pressure on the fibroids during sex, it can cause discomfort or pain. 

• Endometriosis: When tissue that typically lines your uterus grows outside of it, extending to your ovaries, fallopian tubes, or intestines. Such a condition often causes pain during intercourse and irregular periods. 

• Vaginal Stenosis: Scar tissue starts forming in the vagina causing it to become narrower and shorter. Consequently, the vagina can become drier and less flexible, resulting in painful sex. 

you’re on the asexual spectrum 

When you’re on the asexual spectrum, you feel little to no sexual attraction or interest in sex. It’s not something you choose, it’s a sexual orientation. Oftentimes, learning about sexuality helps affirm people who thought something was wrong with them because of their lack of sexual attraction.

There are people who identify as asexual who enjoy having sex and there are others who feel repulsed by it. There are also demisexuals who require an emotional or romantic connection before they can be sexually attracted to someone.

ways to make sex more enjoyable

explore your relationship with sex

The first step we recommend is having honest conversations with yourself. Think about how you feel when you’re having sex to identify whether the displeasure is physical, mental, emotional, or a mix of all three. Examples of unpleasant/unwanted feelings about sex include:

Physical 

• Not enjoying the way sex is initiated 

• Feeling pain during sex

• Uncomfortable positions 

• Feelings of numbness/no pleasure at all 

Mental 

• Struggling to be present during sex 

• Being self-conscious about how you look/feel/sound 

• Religious, societal, or cultural beliefs that create blocks 

Emotional 

• Feeling uncomfortable or emotionally detached 

• Feeling sad 

• Feeling guilt and shame 

• Feeling emotionally unavailable/closed off

These things can make sex challenging and attribute to you not enjoying it. You should also explore what you do enjoy about sex be it the connection, the intimacy touch can bring, or the vulnerability. This should give you a clearer picture of where to start looking for solutions. 

understand your body 

It’s hard to tell someone else how to please you if you don’t know how to please yourself. If you don’t already and even if you do, masturbate to learn about what turns you on sexually. You can use toys, touch, and your imagination to arouse yourself and orgasm if you choose to. 

If you need a free resource, try our erotic care plan which provides prompts and activities to guide you to your erotic self. We also have a solo sex workbook that contains information, worksheets and practices that will also help you explore your relationship with masturbation. 

When you know what pleasure looks, smells, sounds, and feels like to you, it’s easier to communicate this with your partner and work together to create a mutually enjoyable sexual experience.

communicate with your partner 

Once you have an understanding of where the dislike for penetration is coming from, sit down and talk to your partner about it. Will this be an uncomfortable conversation? Maybe, but many conversations worth having are. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship, so your partner should know how you feel. 

Work together to see how you can make penetration more enjoyable and let him know what he can do to support you. 

For example, you could agree to explore other sexual activities outside of penetration. Examples include engaging in more foreplay, mutual masturbation, massaging, kissing, using sex toys, engaging in role play, or oral sex. 

Pleasure mapping is another fun and insightful activity to try. It consists of exploring your relationship to sexual pleasure without sex and orgasm being the end goal. Make a note of everything that brings you pleasure from touch and scents to textures and taste. Doing this alone and with your partner can improve your understanding of your individual and collective pleasure.  It’s also an excellent time to be vocal about what feels good and what doesn’t.

speak to a professional 

Consider speaking to a professional about your challenges. You can do so as a couple or on your own. A sex educator, therapist, or sexuality coach can help you identify deep-seated issues keeping you from enjoying penetration. They can also help you come up with personalized solutions to discover who you are sexually and live in that truth.  

Not enjoying sex doesn’t make you weird or an outcast. Treat yourself with kindness and explore the underlying issues that may be causing resistance. During every step of your exploration remember that you deserve pleasure and only you can determine what that looks like! 

With peace, power, & pleasure,

Dalychia and Rafaella