experiencing pleasure after a herpes diagnosis

Question: 

Hello, I've been finding it hard to connect with being sexually liberated due to the fact that I have HSV2. Have you come across that before and what would you suggest to someone coming to terms with that while trying to reconnect to their own sexuality given the stigma and jokes surrounding it?

Answer: 

Hello love,

Thank you so much for your vulnerable question. Navigating sex with herpes can be a bit challenging. The stigma surrounding all Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), especially herpes, makes it even more disheartening and difficult to maneuver. The way our society discusses and stigmatizes STIs can make it seem like a Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) diagnosis is the end of your sex life, but that is not true. Some things may have to change, but your dating life is not over and your sexual pleasure does not have to end. Here are just a few recommendations to help you discover what you want your sexual liberation and pleasure to be like. 

HSV 101

Knowledge is power and because there is a lot of confusing and negative misinformation out there, we want to cover some foundational knowledge about HSV, otherwise known as herpes. 

There are two different types of HSV, HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-1 is typically oral herpes, more commonly known as cold sores, and is spread through saliva, mucous membranes, and infected skin. HSV-1 can spread from kissing, sharing drinks, utensils, toothbrushes, etc. Although HSV-1 can also present as genital herpes, it is more common for HSV-2 to appear on the genitals. 

HSV-2 is transmitted sexually during contact with genitals, sores, or fluids of someone who has the virus. A common thought is that HSV is spread only during an outbreak when lesions and open sores appear at the infected area. However, herpes can be spread when there is no present outbreak through shedding. This is when the virus becomes active on the skin’s surface without the presence of lesions or open sores. 

Outbreaks can also cause flu-like symptoms, such as fever and fatigue, which can be a sign to avoid sexual activity or use a barrier method. It is also useful to get insight from others who have a positive diagnosis as a way to destigmatize it and learn about different experiences. We recommend checking out Devin Elise and H On My Chest on Instagram. 

living with HSV

So how does one live with herpes after a diagnosis? It’s important that you get to know your body, especially if you will be mixing your dating and sex life into the situation. One step is to understand your outbreaks. 

There are a few different causes for outbreaks, such as illness, stress, medications, trauma to the stimulated area, and menstruation. Not everyone experiences outbreaks from the same thing, but it is helpful to manage stress levels as a way to minimize outbreaks. You can also talk to your medical provider about getting on medication to manage your outbreaks. 

Try introducing new or different stress management techniques into your routine, such as meditation or exercise, and learn which products or stimulants can cause outbreaks. For example, some ingredients, such as arginine, can cause outbreaks and are used in various sexually stimulating products, such as g-spot stimulating creams. 

prioritize self-pleasure

If you are struggling with the idea of sex after a herpes diagnosis, prioritizing your self-pleasure can be a great step to reclaiming your sexuality after a diagnosis. Self-pleasure can remind you of what your sexual experiences were like before your HSV diagnosis, but also lead you to discover new pleasurable things about your body. 

Try journaling to capture what feels different, novel, or more pleasurable for you now. Being aware and conscious of how you experience your body can allow you to craft the sexual experiences you desire, avoid experiences that you don’t desire, and feel affirmed in the experiences you choose to have.

dating & talking to partners

Engaging in partnered sex after a herpes diagnosis can be unnerving especially if you and your partner don’t have a lot of knowledge around HSV. 

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner(s). Discuss your comfort levels with sex, your current relationship with your body, find out their knowledge base, and discuss safer sex methods. 

Will you and your partner need to introduce new barrier methods? Are you currently fluid bonded? Being fluid bonded means that you and your partner do not use barrier methods and share bodily fluids during sexual activity.  

Will that change now? If you are introducing new barrier methods, external condoms, internal condoms, and dental dams are great options, though the latter two are not the most easily accessible. 

If you are looking to enjoy each other during a herpes outbreak, try a sensual massage, cook together, go dancing, or try kinky activities like rope bondage. Massages allow for physical contact without having to stimulate the area where the outbreak is. Rope bondage allows for physical contact, building intimacy, and possibly a chance to learn something new together, depending on your experiences with rope bondage. Impact play, spanking with your hand, flogging, paddles, or riding crops, can be a kinky activity as well. 

disclosing your HSV status

Due to the stigma around STIs, especially herpes, most of us do not have practice disclosing to partners. Practice disclosing to a partner in the mirror by repeating what you want to say to  help you get more comfortable with it. It is important to say that just because you practice doesn’t mean the conversation will always go as you imagined. 

Stigma is deeply ingrained in our culture and it may impact how your partner(s) respond when you disclose to them. It is important to remember that their reaction is part of what they have learned from society and not in direct relation to you, your value, your sexiness or anything. The “when” of disclosing varies for everyone. Some people choose to disclose on the first date, others choose to wait until before sexual activity is going to happen, others may choose to not to disclose. 

We can’t tell you when to do it, that is a personal decision, but practicing the conversation for yourself can make it easier to do no matter when you choose to do it. 

safer sex with partners

STIs are always a potential outcome of sexual activity, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t safer sex practices that can’t be used to minimize the chances. 

If you have oral herpes you can opt out of participating in oral sex or kissing during an outbreak. Using barrier methods, such as dental dams and external condoms, for oral sex can still help minimize the chances of transmitting HSV. 

For genital herpes, using barrier methods is the best option to minimize the spread. For penetrative sex internal and external condoms are is a great barrier method. Another safer sex practice is to use lube. The use of lube can minimize the chance of tears and fissures which can make one more susceptible to contracting an STI. 

If you are using a barrier method, it is best to stick to water-based or silicone lube so that you don’t have to worry about whether the lube will compromise the material of the barrier method material, i.e., oil-based lubes cannot be used with latex and silicone lubes cannot be used with silicone sex toys.

building community with others that have HSV

Connecting with people who are also living with HSV allows you to build a community and support system that can help you as you find your way to less shame and more sexual pleasure. 

Building a community can give you a place to turn when you have questions, need to vent, or don’t want to feel alone. You can search on social media networks for “Black people living with HSV”, “Black people with HSV/Herpes”, or “Black women with HSV/Herpes'' to find other Black folks who have HSV. 

Talking to people who share identities with you who can relate to what you are experiencing can make it easier along the way. Knowing that there is somewhere to turn where you won’t be judged can be a great relief.

Despite what society at large may have to say, herpes is not an uncommon thing and it does not have to mean the end of your sex life or your existence as a sexual being. Educating yourself and partners about HSV will allow you to live your most sexually liberated life.

With peace, power, & pleasure,

Dalychia and Rafaella