quick on the draw: dealing with pre-ejaculation

Question:

For the past year on and off, I have been quick on the draw intimately with my wife and was wondering what can I do to change that? Now being personal, her and I had gone through a period of separation, when I was with other women and I did not have that issue at all, so I’m trying to figure out what’s going on or what the issue could be?

Answer:

Hi love, 

Thank you for your question. This is such a common question for people with a penis. Statistics show that about 1 in 3 men experience pre-ejaculation (PE). Without knowing more information about your particular situation, it is difficult to say exactly what’s going on.

what can cause premature ejaculation?

One thing you need to determine is if you feel like the cause of this pre-ejaculation (PE) is biological or psychological. Has something recently changed in your health? Diabetes, high blood pressure, issues with your prostate, heavy alcohol or drug use are all related to PE. If you are experiencing one or more of these things, addressing that health concern is going to be important to decreasing instances of PE.

Commonly, PE is related to psychological emotions. We're wondering what the reasons were for you and your wife separating and what emotions you are feeling now that you two are back together. While it is beautiful that you have reconnected, going through relationship issues can be a huge stressor on your body and mind. Feelings like guilt, anxiety, depression, and stress are all related to PE. 

We don’t know the details of your situation, but if you feel some responsibility for the reason you separated, you may be feeling some amount of guilt or pressure to make up for something. These emotions can lead to performance anxiety and cause premature ejaculation. If this is resonating, working through those emotions on your own, with your partner, or with a therapist may decrease premature ejaculation. We highly recommend doing some inner work here, because there may be some unaddressed emotions in your relationship that are impacting your sex life. 

Likewise, there might be some other stressors in your life, work, friendships, family relationships that may be impacting your sexuality right now. Is there some other source of sexual shame you may be experiencing, perhaps?

On the other hand, it could be the case that you and your wife weren’t frequently having sex prior to separating and now that you’ve had some time apart and rekindled your love, you’re having sex (or more pleasurable sex)  more often. Maybe you’re experiencing a lot of pleasure and feelings of increased connectedness, and that level of sensory overload may also cause PE. If this is the case, your body should get used to the increased pleasurable sensations over time. 

what can you do about it?

There are things you can do during sex to address premature ejaculation. You can focus on slowing down, deep breathing, and exploring other pleasure zones on your body that way your sex isn’t so centered on your penis and penetration.

Something that many heterosexual people don’t explore, is being sexual without penetration. Sex without penetration can be a great way to explore other pleasure zones on your body. Things like sensual massages, oral sex, play fighting, naked cuddling, playing with sex toys, etc. are things you and your lover can incorporate into sex that doesn’t center around penetration (nothing makes you pre-ejaculate faster than thinking about not pre-ejaculating). 

If you and your partner take penetration off the table, it may relieve some of the performance anxiety you might feel about sex. Also, incorporating more non-penetrative acts into sex for your partner means that if you do ejaculate, sex doesn’t have to end. This can also ensure that she receives more sexual pleasure as well.

Two other techniques that are frequently recommended are the start-stop technique and the squeeze method. Both methods require self-control, discipline, and consistency. 

The start-stop technique requires you to notice when you are about to ejaculate and completely stop stimulation for 30-60 seconds and to do this 4 or 5 times throughout sex. For the squeeze method, notice when you’re about to ejaculate and squeeze between the head and shaft of your penis for 30 seconds. Do this 4-5 times. Talk to your partner about what you both want to do during those pauses so that neither of you become too frustrated or bored. Maybe that means kissing and massaging the body, but think of ways to help with the transition.

We also recommend wearing condoms to decrease penis sensitivity and delay orgasm. This may be something you did with other partners but are not doing with your wife. This may explain why you did not experience premature ejaculation with your other sexual partners.

There are medications and creams you can use that can decrease sensitivity to your penis, but those come with their own side effects. And we recommend you talk to a doctor about this before trying a pill or cream.

At the end of the day, PE is very common and may decrease over time as you and your wife adjust to being back together. Hopefully, she is supporting you throughout this process and not shaming you about experiencing this. If you haven’t already, have a conversation with her about PE and together you all can figure out how to not let it decrease the sexual pleasure you all have together. 

Hope this helps!!

With peace, power, and pleasure,

Dalychia & Rafaella