10 questions with our co-creator, Dalychia
Hello love,
I often say that I’m a private person who just publicly talks about sex. In growing our Afrosexology community I’ve been honored that so many people have trusted us enough to share some of their most intimate, vulnerable, and erotic experiences. It’s encouraged me to trust you all with more parts of myself. So I hope you enjoy learning a bit more about my life, experiences, and relationship to pleasure. Leave a comment and let us know what else you want to know, we may do a part 2.
Why do you do this work?
My family is from Liberia, a country off the west coast of Africa founded by freed African Americans after slavery. It was meant to be a chance at Black liberation and yet continued many of the American colonial and oppressive ways. Audre Lorde said, “the true focus of revolutionary change is never merely the oppressive situations which we seek to escape, but that piece of the oppressor which is planted deep within each of us, and which knows only the oppressors' tactics, the oppressors' relationships.” I do this work because as we work towards Black Liberation, I don’t want us to mimic white people or replicate oppression, I want us to be free. I believe that pleasure teaches us how to build a relationship with ourselves, one another, & the world in a non-exploitative way. That our bodies are the first worlds that experience non-consensual domination and are the first worlds that can experience liberation. As we reclaim our bodies and rebuild our relationships we get a taste of a freedom where our needs, wants, and desires are honored. My dream is for us to collectively move towards a world that is filled with our most wildest, pleasurable, & liberated dreams. And I’m starting with the dreams we have for our bodies and relationships.
What are some of your favorite Pleasure Practices?
Lathering my homemade lotion onto my body, lighting candles daily, tea with ginger, turmeric, cayenne, and cinnamon, masturbation, hiking, getting lost in a book, puzzles, candlelit showers with my pleasure playlist going, eating freshly baked cookies with ice-cream, long hugs, role-play, and daydreaming.
Where’s your favorite place to be?
Floating in the ocean. I absolutely love water and my Pisces self comes alive near the beach.
What does Black Sexual Liberation mean to you?
For a long time, I shied away from talking about Black Sexual Liberation. I felt like discussing sexuality was a luxury granted only to white and privileged people. In conversations of social justice & liberation, Black people are often relegated to fighting for our birthright to life and justice. But between Audre Lorde’s The Uses of the Erotic and having the audacity to want more than to just survive; I began to see the connection between systemic change and individual liberation. That if this constructed White Supremacist system was built and continues to operate on the denial of our humanity and exploitation of our Black bodies, then reclaiming our bodies is pivotal in the destruction of it all. That immersing our bodies in feelings of pleasure and love is an act of rebellion in a system that only wants us to internalize & externalize self-hate. That having healthy relationships with self & other Black folx is to resist the anti-Black messages we consume on a consistent basis. For me, Black Sexual Liberation is about a liberation that desires more than the absence of pain but demands the presence of pleasure.
What is something that you’ve struggled with in your sexual journey?
Boundaries and communication. I am a recovering people pleaser and I have struggled with communicating my needs, communicating when I’m displeased, and asserting my boundaries. What I’ve learned is that people-pleasing, or feeling overly responsible for someone else’s pleasure kept me from experiencing my own. And having poor boundaries that don’t allow me to say no, also makes my yes inauthentic. I’m honestly still on this journey. It’s forced me to do some inner work around internalized narratives of me being “too much” or “not enough”. And as I’ve learned to believe that I am enough, it’s also helped me to see that my needs, desires, dislikes, and boundaries are important. It’s led to having a lot of challenging conversations but has allowed me to build vulnerable, mutually-pleasurable, and healthy relationships.
What do you wish you had known about sexuality when you were younger?
I wish I had worked through my masturbation shame sooner. I spent so much time thinking that my pleasure was supposed to come from someone else or that my pleasure was for someone else. I didn’t realize that the most important and pleasurable sexual relationship I would ever have is the one I have with myself. Solo sex taught me that I could give myself all that I was so willing to give to others and what I was hoping others would give to me. It taught me that my access to power and pleasure was literally at my fingertips. And that awareness transformed how I viewed my entire life.
If you weren’t a sex educator what would you be?
If we lived in a liberated world and didn’t have our energy consumed by surviving, I would live in a house by the beach and make dinnerware pottery, read, and write fiction short stories. Daily, I’m finding ways to move towards this life.
Outside of Afrosexology what else are you involved in?
Identities I enjoy claiming are dreamer, tender-hearted, crybaby, lover, writer, professor, creator, talker, friend, family member, and fire nymph. I write essays, articles, and fiction. I’m a graduate professor and teach courses on liberation & sexuality theory and practice. And I’m a budding potter & digital collagist.
If you had a super power what would it be?
I have two! I would want the power of teleportation because I would love to change my environment when I desired and I’d love to be able to communicate in every language possible. I hate that one of my biggest barriers to connecting with Black people globally is not being able to speak the same language.
What is your favorite place you’ve traveled to?
Brazil. Eu amo Bahia! Me apaixonei pela praia de Salvador. Amo a Black cultura, espiritualidade, e como pessoas sao afetuosas. Estou aprendendo Portugues para poder visitar mais.
Brazil. I love Bahia! I fell in love with the beach in Salvador. I love the Black culture, spirituality, and how affectionate people are. I’m learning Portuguese so that I can visit more.
Thank you for receiving my responses and I hope you were able to relate to some of my experiences. If something resonated with you or you’d like to know more, let me know in the comments.
With love and gratitude,
Dalychia